Who let the Crazies out?

My life and those that I see…

Roseanne

I had an epiphany while watching Roseanne today… I would rather my future children to grow up like Becky, Darlene and D.J. than any other tv shows out there. I mean Roseanne dealt with real family issues like bad grades, bullies, marital issues, parents, death, unplanned pregnancy, young marriage, sex, abortion, pretty much every taboo subject out there. I know children need to be shieled but they need some information as well. Otherwise they are making uninformed choices. I am not a parent so tell me if I am wrong.

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Tonights Events

Tonight I am braving the Chicago heat and taking my best friends two kiddos to The Drive In with another friend and her daughter and friend. We will be seeing Madagascar 3. Let the pillows roll and Denise and I have some great Chatting time!

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A bit more detailed about my life…

Here is my story. I feel as if I can do it ANYONE can… I would love for it to help someone.

Growing up, I had the perfect family. I was the youngest of 3, I had a Brother and a Sister. My parents struggled with finances but were amazing parents who worked hard. I was always a bit huskier and had super curly hair. I never fit in but always managed to have many friends. I loved school and received above average grades. I considered myself smart and mature for my age.
My moms family was large (11 brothers and sisters all together) and very close. We spent almost every holiday with our cousins and Aunts and Uncles. I am indebted to them for how I have grown up so well. They are an amazing family – each and everyone of them.
My dads family was not as close to us until later in life but they as well are all amazing and wonderful. I love them all.
Junior high I made some of the best friends I could have ever imagined. We did everything together. There were 8 of us girls who were completely inseparable. All from different backgrounds and different lives. I had to Cool mom. She let me have all my friends over and practice for whatever talent show was coming up. We never made it in but it was fun to practice.
When I was in 7th grade my mom was diagnosed with cervical cancer. To me it meant nothing. I knew cancer was bad, but I also knew my mom was strong. She had surgery and it didn’t work, the cancer had spread. While my mom was in the hospital we stayed with one of my aunts who had kids in close age to my sister and I. My one cousin is still today one of the best friends I have. So, the next step was Radiation therapy. She had to go to the hospital a lot to get this treatment. It made her very sick. But I knew that she would be ok and win through this fight. Sometime in November of my 8th grade year she finished her treatments and was in remission. We were so happy. Then in the end of December she felt sick again. We all dismissed it until January. In January she was back in the Dr. office getting more tests done. Feb 10th we found out her cancer was back. That day is the day I knew that God needed her more than I did. Feb 14 we found out it was incurable, it had spread to far. My whole family (Immediate and extended) believed she could still fight this fight. I knew she needed to give in. She fought, she was in denial. She was in the hospital for treatments in May and on Mother’s Day we visited her there. She was so doped up on medications that she told me to let our dog out, we didn’t have a dog. I was so confused and did not understand anything going on. Three weeks before school ended I was called into the principal’s office. I was so scared I have never been called into the principal’s office, I was a good kid. My principal (Mr. Stevens) and the school counselor (Mr. Starkweather) asked me if it would be ok for all of my teachers and the principal to come to my house one morning that week to have me graduate early. I asked why and they said so that your mom can see you graduate and not have to come to the school. I didn’t understand why my mom couldn’t come to the school but I still said yes its fine if they come. Two days later at lunch time all of my teachers and my principal and my aunts all came to my house to see me graduate. It was a really beautiful day out. The inside of our house kind of looked like a hospital room so my principal asked if we could go outside on the back patio. My mom agreed. It was amazing. My teachers were all crying and I just did not understand why. I thought it was because I was graduating. Then June 9th 1997, my last day of 8th grade… she passed. I was at the pool with a  friend of mine. It was adult swim so we were sitting at a picnic table and one of my Aunts came looking for me. I knew the minute I saw her that mom had passed. She came up to me all red faced and all I said was did it happen. She said yes. So we went back to my house. When I got there the coroner was there. I didn’t thing that I wanted to see that so I went out side where most of my family was. I felt guilty because I felt relieved. I was happy she didn’t hurt anymore. Everyone said I was very mature for feeling that way, but I felt guilty for feeling that way. Our house quickly got quiet again. I traveled that whole summer. I went to Georgia for 2 weeks to stay with my mom’s sister and her family, Then I went to bible camp for a week, and I went to San Francisco for 6 weeks to stay with my dad’s sister and her family. I kind of felt like my dad did not want me anymore. But, he called me at least once a week and told me he loved me and I believed it. Then I was home. It felt different, I was lonely.
It was when I was in California that I started getting scared all of the time. I was scared of everything. I was scared I was going to die. I started feeling like my heart was beating to fast and felt like I was going to feint all of the time. My stomach was always upset and I was always tired. I had no idea what happened. But I knew that this only happened at night when I was alone. I felt fine during the day when everyone was awake. When I came home and had to start school again I was so scared. I was going into high school and all my classmates knew my mom passed away. I knew it was going to be different. It definitely was. I hung out with my 7 other friends all the time. We were still close, but it was different. Something had changed. One day (my mom’s birthday) I was walking in the halls and I broke down. I cried so hard I thought I was going to throw up. I was so embarrassed. One of my friends took me to the counselors office and I told her what was going on. She talked to me for a long time, until I stopped crying. Then I went back to class. Soon after 6 of my 7 friends told me I had changed too much and they did not want to be my friend anymore. I was sad but ok with it because I didn’t really want to be a friend to anyone. I felt I didn’t deserve it. One of my friends though didn’t care and stayed friends with me. She was my rock that year. We ate lunch together and she brought me to her church youth group. It was ok until she moved and switched schools. I was alone again. I still struggled with these fits of feeling like I was dying all the time though. I didn’t understand my body and I was always scared. My dad worked nights and my sister was never home. My brother was away at college. I was always home alone and I was always scared. I remember I got so scared one time I went to one of my aunts house (she lived just one street over) and she took me to the hospital. I finally knew what was wrong with me I had panic attacks and anxiety attacks. My dad notified the school and I was getting help. I was able to trust them enough to talk with them. They asked me if I would be interested in a grief group. I didn’t know what grief was so I had them explain. They said when kids lose a close family member like you have the have different emotions than kids who haven’t lost loved ones. I said sure (whatever got me out of math class).
I remember the first day of grief group. There were about 10 kids in the room. I was shocked. I had no idea all these kids have gone through something similar to what I have gone though. We met weekly and we talked about our parents and family. We talked about what angered us and what made us happy. We talked about everything. I felt comfortable with them, they understood me. We never talked about grief group out of the room or acknowledged it ever. It was our secret. None of us were friends outside of the group but we were best friends in the group. It was amazing. I felt I belonged somewhere in that huge school of “normal” kids. They gave me the confidence I needed.
My Junior year was my shining year. I made concert choir and was so proud of myself. I had a GREAT group of friends all new. Little did I know then that these people would make the biggest impact on my life. I am still friends with them to this day. They are amazing people. I was doing well in school and finding my own. I had learned how to control my panic attacks and ease my anxiety. I no longer felt as if I was going to die everyday.
Graduation was bitter sweet. I missed my mom but loved my dad. I had an amazing graduation party on June 9, 2011 at my Aunt’s house. It was great to have it that day. I was finally healing and feeling like a real human. I loved where I was going. I had a great job, great friends and was starting college. I liked me. I was good at being me. I still am.
I was happy all of the time but still missed my mom. My dad missed her too. When we moved he didn’t want pictures of her up in the living areas of the house. He had one in his bed room and family pictures in his office. He loved her so much. He never really dated. It was after high school that my dad and I got very close. He treated me like an adult and we could talk for hours. We just got closer. He helped me get a car and with anything I needed. He didn’t care for most the guys I dated and still made me bring them home to meet him. But, he didn’t stop me from dating them. We could talk about anything. Nothing was off limits.
I finally met a guy my dad liked (we joke he liked him more than me). Mike. He is amazing. I knew I would marry him. My dad loved him as his own. He really loved that he would come around all the time and spend time with him. Mike asked my dad to teach him how to golf. So my dad did. After the first time they went out my dad joked to me saying boy Katie, he’s no good. I said don’t give up on him try again. And he said he just didn’t look comfortable. I said was he using your clubs? he said yes and I said have him try golfing lefty. So back to the range they go and poof my dad said he’s a great golfer, he has a lot to learn but he’s good. My dad really loved Mike. I really loved Mike. I found out one day that Mike and my dad had gone to lunch together. I was excited that maybe Mike was going to propose. I had to wait 2 more months for that. But he did. My dad was the first person we called. He was so excited he invited us over to talk wedding. Mike and I decided on a long engagement (2 and a half years). It was so hard to plan a wedding with out my mom but my dad really stepped up. He helped us with everything. My aunts helped me shop for a dress and so did my friends moms. It was great. When I found my perfect dress everyone cried. It was amazing. I was just over the moon happy. We were counting down the days until the wedding. We were securing the church and making payments on the reception hall. Choosing colors for napkins and doing taste testing of the food and cake we would serve. Bridal showers were being thrown and I was so thankful for everyone in my life. I really felt special. Then one day a friend of mine (who I also worked with) felt sick at work so I drove her to the hospital. I got a call from my uncle Larry (who lived with my dad) and he seemed upset and asked me to come over asap, it is important. I knew it was not good but I had no idea why. I took my friends car and went to my dad’s house and met my sister there. I walked in and knew my dad should be there. I went right up to my uncle Larry and said where’s my dad? And he said he’s not here right now and I knew I just started bawling. My dad had passed away that morning at work. The medical examiner said he died of a coronary myocardial infarction that tore his pericardial sac. In laymen’s terms he died from a massive heart attack. I was heart broken. My Aunt Leslie (my uncle Larry’s wife) called Mike and told him to come over right away. I did not handle it well. I was belligerent. I didn’t know what to do. I called my Aunt Nancy (my mom’s sister, and my godmother) and she started crying and saying this is supposed to be the happiest time of your life. You are getting married in 6 weeks. I stopped I totally forgot. I am not going to have someone to walk me down the aisle or do the father daughter dance. I did not know what to do. I immediately called the wedding off with out thinking.
My dad’s best friend made an amazing eulogy at my father’s wake. He shared how my dad in the past year was able to spend a lot of time with each of his kids and his granddaughter and it was very special time. He was able to spend many weeks down by my brother his wife and their baby in Texas. He went on a road trip with my sister and her fiancé to Texas and he helped plan my wedding. Wow. This past year was really special. I decided to not throw that away and have the wedding. He would still be there. I asked my dad’s only brother Larry to walk me down the aisle and do the father daughter dance with me. It was amazing. I felt like a princess. The wedding was beautiful and everything I could have asked there. And both of my parents were remembered and  made them selves known through little ways. My friends were all there and my family was there. I could not have been happier.

I struggled everyday with grief and I still do. I miss my parents but am happy that they are together again. I am a stronger person because of them and know in my life, I was a truly wanted loved child. I have a ton of confidence and since I made it through that, I know I can do anything.

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Hello world!

So, I have decided to write a blog. I see way too many interesting things and stories in my days to not tell the world. I love people and love to help people. I am in the Medical Field and will field all questions I can.

A little bit about me: I am 29 – going on to my 30th year in this world. I have seen things most people have not. I have held jobs that are not the greatest and have held jobs that make me proud. I have an AMAZING husband even though sometime I may rag on him. I have the most loving family in the world. I lost my mom 15 years ago and I lost my father just under 2 years ago. I have a brother and a sister and their familes. I have 2 sister in laws and my favorite brother in law. I have my In laws who make me laugh daily. Plus my friends are my family. You will get to know them well.

My husband and I have been struggleing with Infertility for the past 18months. We have seen doctors and we know what the issue is but solutions are all over the place.

Ask me anything I am an open book.

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